jkaasalainen

At this point, I was so hungry that I could eat almost anything, and so I did.
I found some half-rotten lettuce on the ground, not far from where I was attacked. I figured I must be near the veggie drawer… Anyway, I ate the lettuce and went on with my journey.

Besides the pain, things now started to look better for me, I had food in my stomach, a knife in my pocket and a spear in my hand.

I know, the quest was to find food… But c’mon, lettuce? Yeah right.

I was really craving some bacon, godly crispy bacon… I know I had it, in here somewhere, I remember buying it the day before.  I just can’t remember where I had put it.

Moving on… I found a carton full of rotten eggs, “awesome! I can make armor out of this” and so I did.

Armor, weapons, stinking fur-coat… Could things be any better? Yeah well, I now had a new quest.
I needed to keep walking towards the light. I needed to find the bacon, as it was the only eatable piece of food in this junk of a fridge.

The disgusting stench of the pizza-monster finally started to wear off, but then I started to feel that strange presence again, something was following me, hiding in the shadows casted by the various pieces of moldy crap lying on the ground here and there…

Suddenly I got slapped again, by the same sticky cold thing as before, this time it hit me in the neck.
I made a quick barrel roll to the left and saw the “creature” that had been lurking for so long.
Could it be!? A sticky clod of spaghetti, hovering above the ground.
This was strange… The spaghetti-monster did not attack me, so I decided to just ignore it and move on.

For some reason, it kept on following me wherever I went… The only thing it did, was slapping me randomly from time to time. It was kinda disturbing at first, but I got used to it.

To be continued some other time...

Detta, kära vänner, är så långt jag kommit på denna historia, så ni får vänta tills jag skrivit klart skiten, vilket kan dröja nåt år, eller mer.

HEIPA!

My journey towards the light had just begun…  My coat still reeked of old mozzarella and grease.
Even though I was grossed out by the smell, I decided not to give up, not yet. I HAD to move on, it was too late to turn back now.

I bet your are probably thinking something like “wtf, how the hell does he fit in the fridge!?”
Well, this is a made up story, anything is possible, dumbass.

Let’s continue…

I found loads of worthless crap and outdated, moldy food along the way, obviously nothing worth biting into.
Several hours went by, I had felt a strange presence since I left my resting spot…
The closer I got to the light, the brighter it became.

A huge dark shape appeared in front of me, I could not see what it was but it kind of looked like (excuse my language) a huge wrinkly penis! Quickly, I put my hand in my pocket and grabbed the butter knife. “What are you?” I asked.
The thing in front of me did not make a sound, it did not move… Nothing.

I moved closer to catch a glint of it… And then, BAM! I slipped and fell to the ground.
I must have hit my head real bad since I had blacked out, all I remembered was that…
…The thing, it looked like some green wildly overgrown sausage, and I noticed that my rectum was now hurting like never before…

Clueless of what had happen during the time I was out, I kept on going towards the light…

To be continued...

As I walked past the empty jars of pickles, further into the dark and oh so scary fridge, I saw a light!
It seemed to be quite far away, it was going to be a long journey, but if there was light, there was hope!

I pulled myself together and kept on walking.
Minutes turned into hours… The cold was a real pain in the ass… I needed to take a break or I would die for sure…

I also felt a strong urge to empty my bowel… but I will leave that part out of the story due to sensitive readers.

Said and done, I began to look for a safe place to rest and regain my strength.
I took shelter behind some old butter packages, dated about a year back.
Something was lying on the ground next to me, it seemed my luck had finally turned!
A butter knife!!  Now all I needed was to get some food... But that would have to wait, now I needed rest…

I had slept for about 15 minutes, when I suddenly got slapped in the face by something sticky and cold, “Who’s there!?” I yelled, as I reached for my spear in panic.

No one answered, not a sound… It was late, I was tired and still hungry, and I could not sleep in fear of that “thing” that I knew was lurking out there, in the dark…

To be fortsatt i nästa inlägg

...I slowly began to turn around, to face whatever foul beast was lurking in the dark.

You could say I was greatly surprised, yet scared down to my bones, when I saw what it was...

...The yucky leftover piece of mozzarella pizza from about a month ago! You could literally hear me shaking, as I stood there face to grease with the pizza.

At that point, I knew what had to be done, I swung my spear in the air, the pizza took a quick step back, opened its greasy mouth and burped in my face... I almost fainted.

Even though I was all dizzy and weak from the foul stench, I took a few steps back and threw my spear, hoping for the best.

The spear pierced the beast and it fell to the ground with an obtuse bang.

Relieved to still be alive, I sat down next to the hideous rotting piece of pizza, hungry as I was, a nasty thought flew through my head, but no, I could not do it… No way.

I decided to keep moving...